There was another woman in my marriage

Jillian’s story

To say that living with a transsexual does not affect other family members is naïve. It was my daughter who discovered that her father was looking into having sex change operations on the Internet. Although I knew my husband had an interest in femininity, I did not realise why this was so, but slowly over the weeks and months that followed this discovery, I witnessed the way that this controlling habit was destroying a united and loving family.

My daughter asked him many questions, and often these were not answered truthfully, though my husband believed he was open and honest, but in reality it was avoidance and deceit. She felt the need to write to him and quoted Deuteronomy 22v5, ’A woman must not wear men’s clothing nor a man wear women’s clothing, for the Lord, your God detested anyone who does this.’ These words were dismissed as he claimed that God knew his inner being.

To remind him that in 2 Timothy 3v16 it says ‘ALL scripture is God breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness’ were words that failed to have any relevance in his life at that time. A situation of great concern followed. We were concerned often as to where he was going and what he was doing. The transformation of a man who was convinced he was a woman in a man’s body was upsetting to all who knew his secret.

To be suddenly confronted by a man who has removed all his body hair, plucked and shaped his eyebrows, grown his nails, and was wearing female jewellery was not easy to cope with. Also learning that he was taking female hormones to reduce testosterone in his body, which helped stimulate hair growth on the scalp, and reduced facial and body hair. This had two noticeable side effects, small breasts had developed and normal physical sexual functions diminished.

He talked non-stop about this woman who had a girls name and even believed he was very attractive and could pass as a woman. He took photos of himself, which he proudly showed; we however could only see a man dressed as a woman and were frustrated that he could not see this himself. He thought that he had a female body, with a waist, and elegantly shaped legs, and refused to listen to remarks made by us to the contrary. He became obsessed with losing weight to produce a more feminine figure. He missed main meals, and was taking slimming tablets to help the weight loss.

Advice and support was obtained from a counsellor specialised in talking with transsexuals and our pastor. Without their practical and prayerful support we would have not only handled the situation badly but would have probably broken down under the stress of the situation. We met frequently with these two people, and there was some hard talking at times: my husband was told that he was breaking 6 out of the 10 commandments:

• You shall have no other gods before me
• You shall not make for yourself an idol… or worship them
  (his self obsession)
• Honour your father and mother (he blamed his transsexuality on his upbringing and the relationship he had with his parents)
• You shall not commit adultery (the other woman in his life)
• You shall not give false testimony against your neighbour...
  (many lies and deceit)
• You shall not covet… (he wanted what he could not have)

Psalm 139 was a passage that frequently came up, in my quiet times, in church, in sermons and was explained to him for clarity of his situation as a man. V13-16 ‘For you created my inmost being, you knit me in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth your eyes saw my unformed body’. He felt that God knew his own heart and desires and that God would accept him as a woman.

When my husband and I went away together I was told that he enjoyed my company but that it was a great sacrifice as he could not dress up, and I then realised that I was not first in his life, but second. There was another woman in our marriage. This decreased my own self-esteem and my personal value as a woman. His ultimate goal was to dress up and walk down the road hand in hand with me. A lesbian affair was not acceptable to me. Any intimate relations caused great mental strain for me, as he appeared to take on the role of observer. He was not able to fully participate, causing me to feel guilty and upset, as I knew that there was no ultimate satisfaction on his behalf. I could not work out whether he was taking on the role of a woman or man.

My daughter and I frequently cried especially as we were trying to hide it from other family members. My daughter felt she had no one to turn to and share this with apart from me. It was a burden she found difficult to carry. It consumed her thoughts and distracted her from her degree studies at the time. Her boyfriend knew she was upset and sad but she felt too hurt and embarrassed to discuss this with him. Her relationship with her father changed. The loving caring father she had doted on all her life had now turned into a man who lied, deceived and became totally self obsessive and completely ignored pleas to seek help and return to his old self. The strain this caused was unbearable.

My son eventually found out. He had known for weeks that we were not getting on together and thought it was some marital difficulties, but he could not understand why my daughter was not getting on well, as he knew she was the ‘apple of his eye’. My husband could not accept he needed help and he could not understand why we could not accept him as a woman. It was like living with a different person, a completely changed character, who was determined to ignore the feelings of his family and go his own way. He would show me several articles he had printed out from the Internet about men who had successfully undergone surgery and their ‘new’ lifestyles. He could not understand that these stories only had one point of view, and did not portray the deep sadness and misery for other family members. The whole thing was a selfishness, which had consumed him.

My son, who is every inch a man, could not believe that this was his father. He took control of the situation, and prayed unceasingly for a solution or change of heart. He managed our discussions and eventually the ultimatum. The man he had always loved and respected was not recognisable. My son wanted him to leave immediately; as he could see the enormous distress it was causing the family. I wanted more time to see if he would change through our love for him, and that he would realise the dire consequences of his actions.

As a family we could not continue to live this way, the mental torment was causing us severe anguish and played on our minds night and day. Our lives were turned upside down, and I had little sleep for months, worrying about the future. He would argue with all the family, which was so unlike him, and the whole atmosphere in the home became brittle and tense. We experienced great anxiety when he travelled overseas on his own for his work. We thought that he might be arrested especially as he visited countries where Islamic laws were enforced.

We were expecting that those who find this act of his despicable might beat him up, and we thought he may be enticed into other extra marital affairs, either homosexual or lesbian relationships. His own mental health caused concern, and although he wanted more than anything near and dear to him, to follow his chosen path, he was clearly emotionally disturbed. A great battle was going on inside his mind and body. He often talked about suicide. He was depressed, was low in mood and he was very dissatisfied. He now seemed to be in a constant turmoil of wanting to be a woman but needing to live his days as a man.

My own role changed. I used to be able to rely on and receive support from him, but this was not so now. As I anticipated that he might just come home and say he was leaving, I took on the role of head of the household. He was spending so much money on himself, clothes, make-up, beauty treatments, and other accessories that I needed to make plans, open my own bank account, balance the household finances, arrange for help with some maintenance around the house and garden.

I was fortunate as I was in full employment and was able to meet most of the expenses, but there was always the thought of the uneventful costly occasion, which would cause financial anguish. I needed to plan my life on my own. The children were due to move on within the next year and I had to show that I could survive without them. They wanted to put their lives on hold to support me.

Thoughts of living on my own were not what I had anticipated at my time of life, and our house always had many people coming and going, as we had entertained a lot, and our children were part of a Youth Group, and then suddenly the thought of a quiet house seemed strange. I had many thoughts about clubs and activities that I could join. The thought of loneliness after 30 years of a happily married life seemed just too much to bear.

Through all of this I never wanted to ask my husband to leave but it was causing us all enormous emotional and physical turmoil, not knowing where he was going, what he was doing and with whom. This had been going on for many months, and after much prayerful support and discussion from our pastor we decided to give him an ultimatum, which was, that he needed to sort out his life and be the husband and father that he used to be, or if he were to continue to follow the route of being a woman he would have to leave. It was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. He could not believe that we had issued this ultimatum.

The following day Sunday we went to church in the evening. The sermon came from Malachi chapter 3 and great emphasis was placed on v15 ‘guarding yourself in your spirit and do not break faith with the wife of your youth’. This sermon made a big impact and the Holy Spirit spoke to him and caused him to really think about his actions and behaviour. It was if a miracle had happened, he came home said he needed to change, what he was doing was not honourable to God, and that he did not want to lose his family which he held dear to his heart.

We had 2 weeks of battling and anguish, and he clearly was in turmoil, but it did make him realise that he had a family that cared for him and wanted the best for him. He decided to stay and change, realising that he was about to destroy everything he had worked so hard for over thirty plus years, and he has taken several measures to help himself keep to his decision.

It has not been easy. There have been temptations and hard times, but he is still working these through. Habits are not easy to kick especially when they have been all consuming and take over the whole of one’s life. As we are a very close and united family we have survived this difficult period, but I feel for families that do not have this close infrastructure as they would certainly collapse. However I am thankful, I do have my husband back, my children do have their father and we are very grateful to God, and realise that we are a fortunate family as we could have been destroyed as many others have.

The thought of what could have been leaves me cold. If he had been encouraged by others, or legislation to pursue his own way, he would have left six devastated lives in his wake. He has now come to realise that if he had taken this course of action, although he thought he would be ‘free’ and happy, only pain and sorrow would have followed. His business would have suffered, his circle of friends would have diminished, and his social standing would have gone.

So much built up over decades, and so easily lost, all because he thought he could be something he was not. He is very grateful we stood by him and supported him, through thick and thin. He also realises the deep sadness he would have brought upon himself and all those he loved.