Walking in the Truth
by Kathy Duncan

It was too painful to be rejected and my convincing male appearance fooled everyone. So why tell? I only confided in girls I was dating, hoping they would protect my secret.

From a very early age, I was confused about my sexual identity – and who I wanted to be. Even before entering kindergarten, I remember pretending to ride my tricycle to my imaginary girlfriend’s house. But I couldn’t tell anyone about her – weren’t girls supposed to like boys? An even deeper secret was my strong desire to actually become a little boy myself.

Dysfunctional

Family life was dysfunctional. My dad was emotionally and verbally abusive. He didn’t seem to know how to hug or say, “I love you.” In his jealousy, he accused my mom of affairs that didn’t happen. Mom, on the other hand, was continually seeking nurturing from me. I soon learned that for her to love me, it would cost me a lot.

My older brother sexually abused me and I felt I had no one to talk to. I was already emotionally detached, but the abuse gave me more reason to leave it that way. The desire to become a boy burned even greater.

At the age of twelve I became friends with a neighbour boy. We hung out a lot together and became inseparable. One day I confided in him my desire to become a man. He became very excited and said, “Now we can become brothers.” With his acceptance, I began to dress as a boy and he always “covered” for me.

Double life

As we got older, we went to different schools. This worked to my advantage – I could go to his school dances as a boy. That’s where I met my first girlfriend and began to live a double life.

At sixteen, with a car and a girlfriend, I began to lie to my parents about where I was going and who I was with. I also started telling people I had a twin brother or sister depending on who I was or who I was with. Eventually, my girlfriend’s parents found out that I really wasn’t male and broke us up. We continued our relationship behind their backs off and on for three years. My lying and double life continued and the desire to be a man consumed me.

At sixteen, I moved out of the house and began to live as a man at nineteen. I initiated male-hormone therapy and was very excited. I remember thinking, “Now I’m free, now I’m complete.” I changed my name to Keith.

I had moved in with a family. The oldest daughter invited me to her church youth group. I wasn’t interested but, upon her insistence, I went. There was something there that I hungered for even though I couldn’t describe it.

During one service there was an altar call. I wanted the changed life the pastor talked about so I went forward. The next morning I woke up waiting to feel changed but didn’t feel any different. I took the altar call again. Finally, the third time I said, “OK, Lord, I will do my part.” Something had changed.

Eventually, someone in my church found out about my secret life. I was confronted by the leadership. Of course, I lied. I even had an ex-girlfriend come in and say it wasn’t true. The church contacted my parents. When confronted again, I told the truth. The church asked me to leave saying, “We love you.” It hurt to be rejected by those who claimed to love the Lord. And I wondered if He really did love me.

I was beginning to see that my past, or so I called it, was something I shouldn’t tell everyone. I was always looking over my shoulder, trying to stay two steps ahead of everything and everyone. It was too painful to be rejected and my convincing male appearance fooled everyone. So why tell? I only confided in girls I was dating, hoping they would protect my secret.

After losing another girlfriend I cared very much for, I began to drink. I confided in a drinking buddy who wasn’t bothered by me, so we chased girls together. I soon found a job working as a man and quickly began drinking with work friends. While at this job, I met a nice Christian girl. We began to date and after a while I told her about me. She accepted me and wanted me to go to Church with her. I did and I liked it.

Pornography

I gave up drinking for her, but had a new struggle – pornography. It gripped me like a drug. I finally told my girlfriend about it but she didn’t know how to help. I managed to keep my use to just once a week but that too was hard. Soon after we broke up.

I quickly fell into another relationship, but soon saw the pattern of my father in me. The dysfunction of the relationship shocked me and I fled from it. I decided I couldn’t be that kind of a man.

I became more diligent about going to church and joined the church orchestra. One night while on my way to practice, I heard the Lord ask me loud and clear, “Will you now? Will you now?” I had nothing to lose so I said, “Yes, Lord. I will.”

From that point on, He really began to work on me. I gave up drinking and was delivered from pornography. Sermons were hitting home and I began to make room for God everywhere. He had truly entered my life and was cleaning the house.

Spiritual parents

The Lord brought a married couple into my life who became my spiritual parents. They encouraged me to get involved in ministry. So I did. I became a men’s small group leader in the jr. High ministry, a men’s leader in the singles ministry, and was still playing French horn in the orchestra.

I had also met a godly woman who I wanted to marry. Knowing I would need counsel about this relationship, I finally opened up to my spiritual parents about me. They were grieved but accepted me and stood beside me. Meanwhile, God began sending deep conviction in my life. I remember reading in the Word that our bodies were the temple of the Holy Spirit and wondered, “What have I done to myself?”

After reading Psalm 139, I began to cry because it spoke of how God created and knew me from the beginning. I wondered what the truth was and how God saw me. The pastor of the church learned of my situation and confronted me. After almost twelve years, here I was again. All I knew to do was to tell the truth, so I did. “I am a woman living as a man,” I confessed.

At that point God breathed His Truth into me and I knew if I wanted the relationship with Him I so desired, then I had no other choice than to go back to being a woman. Pure and simple.

Foreign ground

So I chose God and the truth. I asked Him to carry me because I wasn’t sure how capable I was. He gave me this scripture in Isaiah 41:10: “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” As I stepped on to this foreign ground for the first time, God met me there.

Not even a week later I met with a woman who had formerly lived as a man and had gone back to being a woman. I had so many questions. Most of them concerned physical changes. After nearly twelve years of pumping my body full of hormones, I wondered how I could ever look like a woman again. But the Lord was in charge and asked me to stop the hormones, then began to work in my heart.

I met with the women’s leader at the Portland Fellowship, and I participated in their ten month programme. In the beginning, I had a hard time relating and felt really out of place.

As I worked through past hurts, I knew the Lord wanted to become my true father. At first I said, “No way, You’ll hurt me and I can’t trust you in that place.” But I needed a daddy and He did seem safe so I finally agreed. He continued to gently show me what a good dad he really was and how I could run to Him as a hurting child.

That summer I went to the 1993 Exodus national conference. I asked God to reveal how I had become deceived about becoming a man. He showed me how wrong perceptions and beliefs that women were weak and men hated women shaped my thinking.

I had the mind-set that, since I was a woman, then I was hated. And I hated myself. So I thought in order to love myself and be accepted by others, I needed to become a man. I wanted to protect women from men like my dad. This way of thinking trapped me in a web of lies, but the truth was simple: Jesus is Truth and I can come to Him.

After the perceptions and beliefs I’d held were exposed, truth began to be revealed – Truth about who I really was and how I was created.

By this time a woman entered my life to disciple me. She was an example of how I wanted to be. For the first time I visualised what it would be like to be a woman. But my mannish appearance reminded me that this may be impossible. I grieved about how I looked and how I had destroyed my body by years of male hormones. I just wasn’t changing quick enough. But God assured me that He had even this under control.

Leadership class

During this process, I got a job as a man. But it was hard working as a man during the day and then going home and living as a woman. I moved up the ladder and the company sent me to a leadership class.

While there I met a woman and became attracted to her. She asked me out and I couldn’t seem to refuse. Before I knew it, we were involved and I was sinking fast. This relationship was feeding my hunger to be loved. Someone found me attractive and wanted to be with me.

But it was difficult to walk in deception this time. I knew just enough of the truth to make it hard, but remembered enough of the lie to entice me still. I began to drink again to numb all the guilt I was feeling. I saw myself spiralling downward quickly and realised I could die in this place. I tried breaking up with this woman but couldn’t break free. In all exasperation I begged the Lord to intervene.

Two days later I was caught by the woman who had been discipling me. That seemed to bring about a quick change. I began to repent and reconcile. I was disciplined by the church and by the Lord. God was just in His punishment and stood close by me.

It was June 1996, and Exodus time again. I couldn’t wait. This was my third year and I hoped to come home changed. The year before, I was in sin so God really couldn’t do much. I was ready for “whatever” this year.

Affirmed

During the conference the Lord affirmed my femininity through people and workshops. People I didn’t even know would come up to me with encouragement. While I was there, I heard a question that asked, “Are you in love with the healing or the Healer?”

As I pondered this, God asked me this question, “If you were to stay where you are physically would you still serve me?” I had to think about that one and I decided that I would. I would serve Him out of love and not because I would be restored.

After coming home from all the affirmation, I felt disoriented at my job. People I worked with were calling me Keith and I could hardly respond.

Two weeks later I went to another conference in Kentucky on healing for transgenderism. It was a heavy duty week of truth. And again I came home changed and went to work feeling disoriented. I saw that I had one foot in deception as long as I continued in this job.

I began to look for other work and made it a goal to have another job, as a woman, by the end of August. Everything kept falling through but I decided to quit with or without a job.

A lady I had talked to about a job, knew of my situation but she had no openings. One Sunday morning God told me to call her. She now had an opening and hired me. I began to legally change my name back to Kathy. I knew I was going from the old to the new in a matter of days and I was scared.

Overwhelmed

One day after starting my new job, I was marvelling about how God had changed my way of thinking. I was walking in absolute truth, overwhelmed by it, but not ever wanting to return to the lie. I was soon comforted and affirmed by God when He said to me, “You are who I created you to be, now walk in that.”

I continue to be amazed at how He has changed my thinking, my behaviour, my beliefs and most definitely my perception. “For you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.” (John 8:32).