Free
to discover my destiny
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“God
please kill me, for I’d rather die than live this way one moment
longer.”
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Ask anyone who is there, or has been there, and they can testify to you what I am talking about. When every fibre of your being cries out that you are trapped in the wrong body. Feeling like you are an accident or a freak of nature. Wondering why a loving God would curse you this way and why He would force you to live in this nightmare.
Growing up I was always more comfortable around women than men. I could not relate to most of the male role models in my life. I was never into cars, playing sports or hanging out with other guys. It’s not that I didn’t want to be “normal” or be part of the crowd, in fact it was just the opposite. Yet, I was not normal and I knew it. There was a part of me that would not let go of the dream of someday being the woman I knew I was on the inside.
I got the idea that if I just acted like I was male the rest would come in time. So, I got married when I was 18 and had three kids by the time I was 21. My wife knew about my gender confusion before we got married, I’m sure she felt that if she just loved me enough the problem would go away. But it didn’t go away; in fact it only got worse – much worse. I was spending money that should have been going towards paying our bills for my clothes and wigs.
One day she told me that she could not live with me any longer unless I was willing to seek professional help. So I went to our Pastor and told him about my “problem” and we prayed about it. But nothing seemed to happen no matter how hard or earnestly we prayed.
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Over the next several years I consulted several Pastors and psychologists about my gender confusion. Their advice ranged from “You need to pray about it more”, and, “You need to learn to accept yourself as you are”, to “You will never really be happy until you finally become what you are – a woman”. Though I was seeking help I ended up more confused than ever.
Eventually, my wife divorced me and moved away taking the children with her. I cried out to God for help, yet no matter how hard I tried to live as a man the “goddess” was always there demanding my time, money and worship.
After a few years I remarried to a wonderful woman I met at my workplace. My wife is everything I could hope for in a life partner, she is truly a gift from God. Yet, as happy as she made me I was still a slave to the woman within and it wasn’t long until I was “dressing up” again, although this time in secret.
My life was at a crisis point; I was beginning to believe the only way I would ever find any peace was to give into my longings and change my sex. It was at this point I prayed that God would kill me, because I knew that I couldn’t be happy as a man but at the same time the thought of losing my wife was too painful to even consider.
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Tears began
to well up in my eyes; I had finally found someone who might have
the answers I had sought after for so long.
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One day I was surfing the Internet and found a website called Parakaleo. It was there on those pages I met Keith Tiller. As I read brother Keith’s testimony tears began to well up in my eyes; I had finally found someone who might have the answers I had sought after for so long. I immediately emailed Keith and he responded by giving me the information I needed to understand what was going on inside my heart.
I was not a woman trapped inside a man’s body, I was a man trapped by my compulsive behaviour and lusts. When that realisation finally hit home I could feel the chains that had held me so long begin to snap and then break. For the first time in my life I experienced real freedom not just the absence of conflict. It is real and indescribable!
It has taken some time, years in fact, to learn how to fully walk in the freedom I’ve been given. Many times the “goddess” of lust has called to me with her siren song but by God’s grace I have learned how to say, “No, not today!” I am finally a fully integrated human being just like God designed me. The Lord is teaching me how to love and to live. He has freed me to discover the destiny He made just for me.
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How I thank God that He led me to Keith Tiller and his counterpart in this country (U.S.) Jerry Leach. If it were not for their courage and obedience to God I might still be lost in the darkness of gender confusion and lust.
I owe them both a debt of gratitude. But most of all I thank my heavenly Father for showing me so much mercy and for giving me a male role model I can relate to – His son Jesus Christ. Praise God! As it is written, the Truth is indeed setting me Free!